Nuggets From God's Word

          Nine months ago today, my beloved left with the angels to join Jesus. Nine months. The time it takes to fully develop a human baby. Made me wonder where I am after nine months of unwelcome change. In less than a week to ten days, an embryo can implant itself in the mother’s uterus, ready to grow. For over a week I mostly cried, unwilling to accept the perfect atmosphere God had already provided to nurture my venture into this new season.

          At eight weeks, the fetus’ heart it is pumping. Mine pumped but guarded, hiding broken pieces from most people. The fetus’ brain structure is also in place. Mine couldn’t seem to remember what day it was. The baby had grown to just over an inch, I shrank at the new responsibilities thrust upon me.

          At twelve weeks or so, the baby’s fingers and toes develop, what looked like a tail disappears, it’s heartbeat can be heard, and the organs are present. I struggled to face our 67^th wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Ken’s birthday and the entrance of a new year, all in less than four months.

          Around fourteen weeks an ultrasound reveals the little one’s sex, and at eighteen weeks the baby can hear and even suck its thumb. Through God’s unfailing word, I too began to “hear” that He was with me, and it was ok to pour out my pain, latch onto to His presence and draw comfort from His endless grace.

          Sometime around twenty weeks, a mother feels a fluttering that progresses to strong kicks, movement that can even be seen. Closing in on six months, my self-pity and reticence to accept what was, faded. I no longer kicked against the pricks—mostly.

          Life’s force tells the baby it’s time to leave this safe, warm place, and an inner energy guides it into the birth canal. My pathway appeared gradually, one day at a time but undeniable.

          Nine months pass, the baby leaves the womb. The new sphere is cold. It gasps its first breath and cries. Warmed, it is laid on its mother’s chest. Loving caresses and soft words flow from the one who carried him close to her heart. He sleeps, assured he is safe and cared for.

          The calendar dates nine months, seems like yesterday and years ago. At times I still face a cold blast of loneliness and loss, but I’ve learned to take a fresh breath of all that is good in my life, my faithful Shepherd, family, friends. I wrap myself in the love of the one who carries me on His heart, and rest in His tender promise to meet all my needs. He listens patiently when I cry out and sends the Holy Spirit to comfort when growth is painful. I too won’t face life alone.

“They shall still bear fruit in old age—be fresh and flourishing…” Psalm 92:14 NKJV

JESUS CHANGES EVERYTHING

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JESUS CHANGES EVERYTHING

          My devotional read, “There is no sin that cannot be forgiven.”  I thought of the extremely evil men that had ruled during my lifetime, Hitler, Stalin, idi Amin, men that had murdered thousands, maybe millions of innocent people. No sin? Their sins were so horrendous, I couldn’t imagine how their hearts could possibly be turned to ask forgiveness—or to forgive themselves.

          I thought of the aborted babies all over the world and it brought to mind the painful memory of sin I committed. There was a time when I was a young mother with three little ones I adored, all under the age of four. I couldn’t fathom the tragedy of a baby being born with no one to love and care for as I loved my precious children. They were in their teens when I was given the opportunity to endorse the petition to approve Roe vs Wade. Sincerely believing in my heart that I was protecting babies from living without love, I signed it.

          The Supreme Court hadn’t yet taken up the case when the deepest longing of my heart was filled—Jesus became my Savior and my Lord. As I discovered truth after truth in God’s word, my worldview changed drastically. Scriptures like Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” Or from Psalm 139:13, “For you formed my inward parts, you covered me in my mother’s womb,” and many others revealed the horror of my thinking. I fell to my knees and repented with many tears. How could I have thought that death (I had no knowledge of the cruel procedures used at the time) was better than any lack a child might endure? “God,” I cried. “I am devastated! Can you forgive such a terrible sin?”

          I had joined the ranks of evil men by uniting with all those responsible for helping to get that bill passed, leading to the deaths of millions of innocent babies. But God in His mercy understood my faulty reasoning, warped as it was, and fully forgave me. I wished many times that my name could be blotted from that petition, and then, with joy, I discovered it had been nailed to the cross with all my sins and covered with the precious blood of Jesus.

          Every life has value and is precious. What was I to do with this beautiful revelation? God put a zeal for life in my heart and I boldly shared it with whoever would listen. A woman I was close to wasn’t convinced, but when an abortion happened in her family, she changed her mind. Another close friend listened to me expound on what I’d learned and saw it completely afresh. She became a warrior in her church for Life and witnessed my argument to a local congressman whose votes now reflect prolife. In time I began to see those who protested against life as Jesus saw me, a soul he loved who had yet to receive the truth and be set free.  

          But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 NKJV

Lord, I have screwed up royally. I am throwing myself upon Your mercy, my plea, “No contest.” I am guilty. I went against Your peace and did what I hoped would relieve the pressure I carried. I desperately need an advocate, please refill me with Your Holy Spirit and instruct Him to take my case. Let Him come before You with my guilty plea, in prayer, according to your will and relieve me of this burden. And you, My God, who judges fairly and allowed the chastisement I’m suffering, please hear my advocate’s petition and grant Your never-ending compassion. Strengthen me to trust Your grace to live with the pain I’ve caused, knowing that somehow, You’ll work it for good. Thank You for forgiving me. Please help me to forgive myself and the courage to make restitution as you direct. And Lord, I am grateful that You will not give me more than I could bear. My hope is in You Jesus and the finished work of the cross, You, who blots out my transgressions and remembers them no more. Beloved Lord, I submit my future into Your hands, confident You’ll never leave me on my own. Amen

“…we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.”  1John 2:1

BEING REAL WITH GOD

          In the Bible study I am a part of, it emphasized the need to be honest with God. Psalm 89 (and many of David’s psalms) tells of his pouring his heart of frustration out to the Lord. Somehow it gave me courage to do the same when Covid attacked one of my family and I faced the possibility I could lose a loved one. I railed against God with tears of doubt and overwhelming fear. Why would he allow Covid to attack my family when every day I covered them with the blood of Jesus and declared “no plague would come near their dwelling,” according to Psalm 91? I told Him I didn’t understand why then did it happen? I too poured out my frustration, reminding God I had asked in faith and truly believed His promise to protect them. Instead of being weary of my rant, He drew close, and a great peace overcame me, I felt God’s presence in a tangible way. I still didn’t understand. Why had the plague entered their bodies? But the “whys” faded as His love surrounded me and comforted me. I knew no matter what came to be it was alright. He is God and He is and will always be there for me. A knowing He was pleased with my daring to be honest with Him engulfed me. To trust Him with the reality I’d tried to cover with faith declarations, pleased Him and opened a deeper door to the intimacy I have hungered for. I became aware of a new dimension of His love I had yet to uncover. Like David, at the end of the Psalm, I joyfully proclaimed God is faithful.

“For He will deliver the needy when he cries…” Psalm 72:12  NKJV  

          In the Bible study I am a part of, the author emphasized the need to be honest with God. In many of David’s psalms he pours out his heart in frustration to the Lord. Somehow it gave me courage to do the same when Covid attacked one of my family and I faced the very real possibility I might lose a loved one. I know fear is a sin and not of God, but I cried out to Him  with tears, hysterical and overwhelmed with doubt and unbelief. Why would he allow Covid to attack my family when every day I covered them with the blood of Jesus and declared in unwavering faith according to Psalm 91that “no plague would come near their dwelling?”

          I too railed out my panic-driven frustrations, reminding God I had asked in faith and truly believed His promise to protect them. Instead of being weary of my rant, He drew close, and a great peace overcame me. I felt God’s presence in a tangible way. I still didn’t understand. Had my dear one opened a door to the evil one who waits to undue us? Why had this happened? But the “whys” faded as His love surrounded me and comforted me. I knew no matter what came to be, He is God and will always be there for me. A knowing He was pleased with my daring to be honest with Him engulfed me. To trust Him with the reality I’d tried to cover with faith declarations alone, pleased Him and opened a deeper door to the intimacy I hunger for. I became aware of a new dimension of His love that I had yet to uncover. Like David, at the end of the Psalm, I joyfully proclaimed God is faithful and trust and hope was restored.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”   Joshua 1: 9 NKJV

          My grief journey has taken many detours. From the morning I found my beloved had left for his heavenly home, to the managing the mundane details of saying goodbye and the ongoing mourning that emerges with vengeance at unexpected times.

          Before I discovered his cold, lifeless body, I had spent time with the Lord in another room praying. and Jesus said to me, “There is enough of Me to take care of every person on this planet.” He added, “I know your needs and I care about each of them. Trust me to lead you into right decisions and choices.”

          He knew my life was about to shatter into a thousand pieces and was preparing me for a great loss and everything that would come after. The buckets of tears that followed were God’s way of washing the beginnings of sorrow from my heart. Ten days later, the last of the family left for home and that morning an overwhelming sadness enveloped me.

          I wondered how to find joy in such an overpowering heaviness. I longed for the familiar intimacy with the Lord that I normally found in my quiet time with Him. It had been neglected during all the preparations and company, for which I was grateful, but now the house was silent. I knew the prayers of those who loved me had carried me. Had their concerns turned to new, more pressing needs? I felt alone until a shaft of sunlight hit the leaves on the tree outside my window. That light I look for every morning shone brightly, affirming God’s presence and never-ending love.

          But the next morning, griefs roller-coaster brought such a longing for my husband’s presence that I began to sink into the “what if’s.” What if I’d insisted the nurse take further measures to get him on an antibiotic sooner? Why didn’t I realize his nearly comatose state was more than a reaction to the infection? Surely the Holy Spirit knew he was dying—why couldn’t I hear His quiet alert whisper that Ken was about to leave his body?

          As I poured out my agony of not being there when Ken left, I cried to the Lord, “I should have been there, holding his hand, assuring him of my love. He died alone!” But the Lord brought me up short. “No, he didn’t,” He said. “I was with him. It was his time, and I took him home.” His message chastised but also comforted me.

          Staring at my precious picture of Kenny jumping over the clouds, I thought about the many times he would say, “I just want to go home.” I’d say you are home, feeling bad that he wasn’t comfortable in the home we’d shared over fifty years. I’d point out familiar things, but it never satisfied, and he had no answer when I’d ask him about the home he envisioned. How dull I was to not realize it was his final home that he longed for. Heaven is more real to me now that I have a special deposit there.

          Still struggling with wishing I could have been there I believe the Lord revealed to me that if I had been there, I would have franticly tried to keep Ken from leaving. I would have been consumed with how to get help, crying and calling out to him and robbing him of the peaceful homegoing the Lord laid out for him. It wasn’t about me. Kenny’s eyes were wide open and his face was relaxed in peace. It was about him and his time had come to peacefully leave with the angels.

          Six weeks have passed but the tears haven’t. One step at a time I am seeking God’s “new normal” for me. What is His plan? How does one live alone? What will this season be like? What is my purpose, no longer a “couple?” My time with Him is more precious than ever as each morning He wipes my tears and gives me a Scripture to cling to, never letting go of my hand.

The body shop called with the bad news: there was a good chance my van, which had been broadsided, would be totaled. My insurance company echoed their concern. My heart fell. The last thing I wanted at this tumultuous season of life was to have to find a new vehicle. I was in tears when I hung up the phone, but suddenly remembered how much I’d been asking God to help me trust that He was engineering the circumstances of my life. “No!” I said. “I am going to count it all joy.” Over and over, I repeated the phrase from James until my heart settled and my faith was released. Doubts circled but I refused them, immediately. Within the hour I got a call from my insurance company. “They have decided to fix your van,” she said. “Praise the Lord,” I responded. “Yes…indeed,” she said, sounding happy for me. I hung up thanking and praising God and vowing to remember this test forever.  

“…count it all joy when you fall into trials…that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:2-4 NKJV

“Shine like a light in the universe,” Philippians 2:15 reads. It reminded me of a time we went to hear a well-known Christian sing whose music I loved. During her chatter between songs, she spoke subtly of her husband’s failures in preparing her sound system. Her criticism was somewhat veiled but came across loud and clear. I think of how grieved she would be to know that that is what I remember of her intro to her song about shining like a light in the universe. And so, I believe God brought this memory to enlighten me. As I walk out this difficult season of life, I am to watch my words. Criticism and complaining dim my light and darken the image of Christ I hope to display to those listening to my rants, disguised as “sharing.”

“Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless children of God…” Philippians 2: 14-15 NKJV

We cannot attend church because of my husband’s dementia, and so this morning I am having church here, just the four of us. The Father is drawing us all together, Jesus preached a message as I studied His word, the Holy Spirit provided the fellowship, and I led the praise and worship. Jesus chose Eph. four as His text, written especially for me. It spoke of the power of the Holy Spirit to enable me to thrive in this stress-filled season of our life, of the faithfulness of the perfect Father to lead, walk me through and live in me. That He will give me supernatural strength and the ongoing gift of salvation in Christ Jesus, with the benefits {gifts} so that I will rise with Him in glory. The ‘service’ was one of the best I have ever attended. Thank you, Lord.

Gather my saints together with Me, those who have made a covenant with Me by sacrifice. Psalm 50:5 NKJV

          The Song of Solomon, chapter 2:1 in the Passion Translation reads, “I am truly His rose, growing in the valley. I am overshadowed by His love, the very theme of His song. (order varied slightly.)

          What a beautiful picture of how God sees us. We became the sweet-smelling child of God at the moment of new birth. Gone is the stink of our past, like a beautiful rose we reflect His fragrance as He gazes upon us with pleasure Overshadowed by His endless love, we grow through His word, our valley of endless hope. Doubts, fears and unbelief fade under such grace, so much greater and more powerful than lies bent on bringing us down or rendering us useless.

          These are words spoken by our bridegroom, our Savior. I am blown away by the last part, “I am the very theme of His song.” Can you imagine Jesus singing a song to the Father about you alone? What would the tune be? What would the lyrics say?

          Maybe today it would be:

          “Oh, Father, rejoice, our child’s innermost being has awakened, she now knows she is not forsaken. She’s longing to feast on more of Me, to trust and become all she can be.”

          Or “Look Father, she has overcome her reluctance, faith and hope are now her stance. She’s committed that concern into our hands, her confession, ‘God’s word stands.’”

          Or maybe “Father, she has taken authority and released the battle to our care, cries of praise fill beloved’s lips, gone is her despair.”

          “My joy is full, Father, her spirit reflects like light upon a hill, boldly telling our Good News, refusing to be still.”

          Could His chorus swell to this as our victories rise to His heart?

          “She believes, she believes, confessing promises from the word.

          She believes, she believes, doubt crashing beneath our sword.”

          Okay, enough corny poetry, but what a delight to know we can give our Bridegroom reason to make us the theme of His song, a melody of faith and trust, a delight to the Father’s ears.

“He will rejoice over thee with singing.”   Zeph. 3:17